I love when a new year comes. One thing it represents for me is fresh starts - new energy directed at new goals. I like goals. Sometimes I set way too many goals. This year I wonder, “If I set just one goal, could I meet it?” This question intermingles in my brain with another “deep thought” that I will share in a moment. First, the ONE goal. It’s taken from the Bible (New Living Translation) in 1st Corinthians chapter 14 verse 1a (first part of the verse). Here it is: “Let love be your highest goal.” That’s it.
I had a deep thought today: What if everyone in the world loved me – every day, all the time? And, what if I KNEW it….FELT it…and was completely convinced of it? How would that change the way I live? How would it affect the way I view myself? Would it change how I loved others?
I’ve noticed about myself that when I feel loved (real or perceived), I love better. When I feel accepted, supported, encouraged…I accept, support and encourage others better. If I feel invested in, guided, and worth another person’s time…I do the same for others. Why is that?
I was told once by a very close friend: “There’s something about you that bothers me, but I don’t know what it is.” Wow. That comment not only sucked, but it has haunted me for years! Today I can laugh about it. Its like, “Heck, there’s something about me that bothers me, let alone you!” Where should we begin? What flaw to choose first? I chuckle today, but at the time it cut me deeply, seating me squarely on a 3 year soul searching rollercoaster ride. It negatively changed the way I viewed myself, and affected the way I interacted with others (much more cautiously).
I’m a fixer. I like to systematically fix stuff that isn’t working. It could be on the job, at home or in my personal life. I like to improve, try different strategies, and form better habits. So when my friend spoke those words to me, the logical question was: “Well, what is it?” I was sure I could fix it. When no answer was given (and believe me, I pursued one for months!) I was left holding a bag of broken pieces to a mystery object. I didn’t know what piece to pick up and fix.
Slowly but surely a rich and once great friendship was dismantled; and I was left wondering what kind of horrible personal defect I had that could cause such a long term friend to pull away and ultimately reject me. I still don’t know what the “something” was, but I am thankful my friend said those words to me. She was only being honest as she grappled with “something.” I’m not mad at her for saying those words (anymore). But the words messed with my image of self and who I am. Maybe you can relate.
Before this friendship breakdown, I innocently used to think this about myself: “Who wouldn’t like me?” I know that may sound egotistical or boastful, but it was just a childlike belief I had about myself. “I’m fun. I’m open and honest. I listen to people. I care….” And the list went on and on….as does YOUR list of good things about YOU! How does it happen that these good beliefs about ourselves get deflated, stolen or misunderstood? The words spoken by my friend tilted the very core of who I felt I was – lovable. And I liked myself a whole lot better when I believed I was loveable. I know I treated others better.
So, this year I’m going to try to make love my highest goal. I figure the more people who feel loved, the more love will come around to me. I know I need it. It’s one goal that should affect every area of my life, and I hope, everyone else’s too.
