I've Got A Trunk Full of Diaries!

What do you want to be remembered for?

What if some tidbit from our lives was to end up in a book after we die?  And what if that book with your story in it was read as frequently as the bible is?  And, what if your story impacted people’s lives to the same degree that people and stories in the bible do – either positively or negatively?  What would you want the bible to say about you?

When I was 11 years old, our family watched the TV series Roots.  Besides being horrified at the way black people were treated, I was taken with the way the history of the families on Roots were preserved so that they could be presented as history at another time.  Fascinated with history, I started keeping a diary after that; from age 11 until now, age 32 (fine, I’m 45). 

I now have a whole trunk full of diaries!

I often say half-kidding that when I die and my kids or others read my diaries they might put them down at times and say, “Wow.  I thought she was a Christian!  Now…not so much.”  I pretty much let it all hang out in those diaries.  I always have the option to burn them I suppose, but why?  Authenticity is invaluable.  Truth is freeing.  They have been the decompressing tool and connection to God that has led me to do what is right more than once! If anything, I figure my family will see that I wasn’t perfect.  Isn’t that the whole point of Jesus dying for us anyways?  We can’t do it on our own…the salvation/getting to heaven thing.

When I finally realized that Jesus Christ (the One I saw almost weekly represented in the life-sized sculpture in the front of my church) actually died on that cross for MY sins – and all I had to do was ask His forgiveness and He’d give it; I was humbled to tears of repentance and sorrow.  I was, and still am, well aware of my sinfulness.

Since that life-changing realization seeped into me at age 15, I have been living unashamedly whole-heartedly for Jesus Christ (no, not perfectly!).  After all, He saved me from my sins!  How could I do less? 

I soon found out that it wasn’t a drag to be a sincere, whole-hearted Christ-follower, but rather a total blast!  You have people hating on you, arguing with you, disrespecting you.  How fun it that?!  I’ve always loved a good conflict anyways. 

Ah, but you also have people so encouraged by your strong stands, helped by your sincere prayers, and motivated to follow Christ in the same way.  No, not because of me…but rather, Christ in me showing up to others. 

I just heard my pastor say last Sunday – with compassion, not judging:  “There are people who think that Jesus can be their Savior without being their Lord.”  That really made me think:  As LORD, God is the boss of my life.  I do what He says, even when it hurts; and it does sometimes.  I do what is right, according to God – not the popular voice of our culture – or another’s culture.  When I do something in contradiction to His word (and my heart tells me right from wrong too), then I ‘fess up and make it right.  (Dang it, that reminds me I have to call someone and tell them I outright lied to them the other day!)

It’s GOD who knows best.  Makes me wonder if Roots would not have to been part of our American story if the Christians would have listened to God and let Him be the boss.

What I mean to say is this:  How’s your life-story shaping up?  Are you like Caleb in the bible, known for his whole-hearted following of God, even in the midst of extreme opposition?  Is God the boss of your life?  Or do you claim that Jesus Christ is your Savior but don’t give Him the rightful place of being your Lord?  Can Jesus really be a person’s Savior – but not their Lord?    

It’s a good question to ask ourselves.  The Bible tells us to examine our faith to see if it is genuine.

I better go make a phone call.  Yes, Lord.  I will make that phone call today.

Peace friends.

Deuteronomy 1:34: “…..he (Caleb) has followed the Lord completely…..”  Read his story in the roots of the Israelites.  It’s recorded in Deuteronomy and other places in the bible.

Funky Clothes in Funkland

Last summer about this time I was in a FUNK.  I was so sad, mad and disappointed with so many people I didn’t know what to do!  I hate funks.  My definition of a funk is when you are emotionally and/or spiritually stuck.  You are in a “place” in your mind and emotions and you can’t seem to leave that place!  You want to.  You just can’t. 

I traced the funk back to 2 things:  the final dismantling (death) of a friendship, and the death of my precious father.  Interesting how they were both ‘final’ things.   I was grieving.  For me, the grief process opened powerful doors of self doubt, anger and disappointment.  It wasn’t long before I found objects to attach these negative emotions to (i.e. people). 

“I’m so disappointed with……”

“Am I a good friend to…..anyone?”

“If this person annoys me one more time I’m going to….rrrr!” 

I soon found myself turning toward the road of bitterness.   Have you ever been on that road?  It’s a popular road in Funkland.  I want to scream to you a warning:  “Watch out for the bitterness exit – it comes up quickly!  Look out!  It’s just a few exits after hurt and confusion.  Don’t go there!”

We’ve all watched people crash and burn on the road of bitterness.  We’ve all been slammed into by another person’s sour attitude or negative life.  It’s an ugly, dangerous, life-stealing path.  None of us want to end up like that.

Where’s the line between getting better and getting bitter?  How do we find that line and stay on the other side of it?  The weather in Funkland is usually foggy, have you noticed?  It’s hard to find the lines on the road.  I knew I was ON the dangerous bitter road last summer, but it was so hard for me to see!  I didn’t know how to GET OFF! 

But God did.

When God shines His light into our lives, no fog is too thick.  It’s an eye-opening experience that usually leads to a new life-changing road.  For me, it’s almost always a HARD path to follow.  Dang if I don’t hate God’s word sometimes.  Yet…my experience in doing what God says (obeying) always makes my life less foggy and more crystal clear.   Always.

God’s word to us is sort of like wearing funky clothes.  They look and feel different from the norm; they get attention; and they are fun.  Try these two bible verses on for size and see how they fit on you: 

Colossians 3:13-14:  “You must make allowance ...” (make room for….shove things out of the way for…move stuff over) “….for each other’s faults and forgive the person who offends you.”  (Are you choking yet?  I was.  “Forgiveness pants too tight – need air!”)  “Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others…”  (“Yeah, yeah…I know all this! Blah blah blah”) “…And the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love.  Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony.” (Oh. I like love.  Love shirts look beautiful on others.  Wow, it would look cool on me too. OK, I’m listening, Lord.) 

And God said – “Put them on my daughter.  I bought these clothes just for you.  How do they fit?”  And so I did.  And they were tight and uncomfortable and weird feeling ...

How do those things fit on YOU?  Forgiveness and love - how do they fit on you?  I must say they were quite restrictive when I first tried them on.  In fact, it has taken me about a year of spiritual work outs to get rid of my spiritual fat (hypocrisy, denial, pride). 

Am I suggesting that you could be a little spiritually fat?  A little spiritually out of shape?   I’m just saying I was.  Those God-given clothes didn’t fit me so well; I did  NOT like putting them on.  Sooooo uncomfortable and funky feeling!

We all need to work out every so often.  Maybe your forgiveness thighs are a tad underworked and getting a little large.  And how are the love muscles working these days?  Need a work out and some new clothes?   I did.

What if we actually tried Colossians 3:13&14 on for size?  What if we made it a part of our daily spiritual workout routine to fit into these God-given clothes?  These are our Creator’s gifts for us to keep us off the bitterness road.  He’ll even help you put them on.  

Seriously, take a look in the mirror today.  Would these funky clothes make you look bitter or better? 

Pay Attention To The Dead Stuff

Isn’t it funny how God sometimes speaks to us?  One day as I was praying about a talk I had to give and wondering if I was on the right path, I heard God say to me: 

“Pay attention to the dead stuff.”

He said this to me as I was thinking about the book of Ruth in the Bible, and at the same time checking my hanging basket of flowers outside --- for dead stuff. 

I’m no master gardener, but I have learned that if you want FULL and beautiful flower baskets -- that keep on growing, you need to pay attention to the dead stuff.      

It seemed to me that over the next few days God was asking me to look at the dead stuff in MY life; things that weren’t very beautiful, things that weren’t flowering with God’s purpose, sin to be more exact. 

And so I ask us today:  Do we have any dead stuff in our lives?  Are we paying attention to it?  And what are we doing about it?

Now Ruth DID something about the dead stuff.   

What I love about the book of Ruth is that it’s about an ordinary family dealing with ordinary life.  I like that because I’m ordinary. 

When I looked more closely at the first chapter of Ruth, I found out that it has a LOT of dead stuff in it!  First off, it was written during a very dark time in Israel’s history where “everyone did what was right in their OWN eyes” as it says in the book of Judges.  God’s voice was dead to them.  They didn’t want to hear it!  We then find dead land in Bethlehem, dead gods in Moab, and sadly a dead husband.

We see Naomi’s dead convictions - allowing her sons to marry Moabite women, directly disobeying God’s law in Deut. 7. Then we read of 2 more dead sons; ONE of which was Ruth’s husband.  Ruth was surrounded by death.  I bet she was getting sick of it.  

When an opportunity for change came along, Ruth jumped at it!  The famine in Bethlehem had ended and Naomi was going home!  I find it surprising and sad that Naomi suggested that Ruth and Orpah go back to their dead gods!!? Hello?!!  

And THAT is where Ruth gets RUTHLESS about the dead stuff.  Just listen to her resolute response vs. 16&17 of chapter one: 

“Don’t ask me to leave you and TURN BACK (I am NOT going back to that DEAD place!)  I will go wherever you go and live wherever you live.  (I want LIFE)  Your people will be my people and your God will be my God.  (The God of Israel is my GOD, nothing else!) I will die where you die and will be buried there.  May the Lord punish me severely if I allow anything but death to separate us!”  (My mind is made up. Period.)

SHE PAID ATTENTION TO THE DEAD STUFF AND did you notice?  SHE WAS RUTHLESS ABOUT WEEDING IT OUT.

Are you ruthless about that dead stuff in your life? Do you pay attention to it?  John 10:10 says, “The thief comes to STEAL, KILL AND DESTROY, but I (Jesus Christ) have come that you might have LIFE and have it to the FULL!” 

What’s leaving you empty, friends?  What’s stealing your full?  Pay attention to that dead stuff.   

Are you like me and you are easily offended?  You look behind you sometimes seeing a long path of past grudges?  Are these emotional time STEALERS or what?!!  Isn’t it time for the road to forgiveness?  It was for me – still is.

Does the way you spend your money KILL your spiritual giving? Step on the road to examine your finances?  You’ll find freedom there. 

Do harsh words fly out your mouth and DESTROY the ones you love?  The daily road of repentance and accountability will restore your life. 

Do I sound like I am familiar with this dead stuff?  I wish I could say that I wasn’t!  I don’t know what it is for you, but I do know from experience that dead stuff stinks!

I wonder….. What fragrance would the body of Christ have if we were all ruthless about weeding out SIN?  What beauty would be reflected in JUST ONE PERSON who would pay attention to the dead stuff DAILY because they SO BADLY wanted a GROWING basket of life! Imagine the life we could give away to a dying world who desperately needs to experience the FULL Christian life?    

If ordinary Ruth could do it, can’t ordinary us?  Of course we can!  Just ask God to help you pay attention to the dead stuff and be ruthless about weeding it out.

I’ve got to go now.  I’ve got some more weeding to do.

Are you a clone?

Are you a clone? 

The other day I was preparing to have 18 high school and junior high students over to my house for dinner.   This is very unusual for me – cooking for large groups of people, that is; or even entertaining large groups of people.  This is definitely out of my comfort zone. 

Of course I waited until about 3 hours before they got here to start preparing the food and cleaning the house.  Isn’t 3 hours enough time to prepare 3 pans of lasagna, bread, veggie, find 18 clean dishes (wait, do I even HAVE 18 dishes?), and clean my toilets and first floor?  Evidently not.   Approximately 1.5 hours before they were to arrive I realized that I didn’t have enough time to get everything done.  I needed more ME – at least 3 more of me to get the job done well and on time.  

Do you ever feel that way?  You just wish you could clone yourself?

Two of our 3 kids were home and so I asked one to do this and that for me.  My requests were returned with heavy maons, slow movement, and eventually a disappearance act.  It was one of those times that you think you’re better off just doing it yourself because of the frustration level that comes from such resistance.

Child #2 was then called upon.  There was still resistance, but much less – probably because I shot out verbiage like:  “HEY! I don’t have time to listen to you complain.  I need help.  Just do what I ask you to do and do it quickly.  I will tell you what to do, and you will do it, get it?  I need you to be my hands and feet!”  

As soon as those last words shot out my mouth I thought about Jesus Christ calling us His hands and feet (His body).  I immediately wondered if Jesus feels the same frustration when He asks us for help.  And I wondered:  "How many of His requests to us are met with sighs, groans, slow movement and finally a disappearance act?" 

In the bible, Christ followers are called Jesus’ body!  The bible even talks about the different parts of the body and how we all play different roles that are equally needed and valued.  

That makes me ask myself: "Does Jesus need us to help Him?  Does He have so much work to do that He can’t do it all on His own?"  Does He need more "ME's"?  That is a theologically debatable topic!

Obviously we know that Jesus is God and so has all power and can do anything anytime He wants.  However, the way He has chosen to operate in the world to get His work and will done is through us - people.  We’re like His hands and feet.  That’s why He calls us His body.  

I just wonder if He has ever said to us, “Listen, I don’t have time for your complaining, there is a lot of work to be done and I need you to be my hands and feet!”

What a privilege to be the hands and feet of Jesus Christ!  You have a special role you know; so do I.  What a blast to discover what it is and then do it (without moaning).

“Now all of you together are Christ’s body, and each one of you is a separate and necessary part of it.”  I Corinthians 12:27

Got Heroes?

I have a new soul mate hero!  


He's dead; but none-the-less, his words connect with my soul.  We agree!  We see a desperate need for authentic, deep, soul conversation.  This is the whole reason for this SOS blog, by the way, scary as it was to begin it!


Frank Laubach was born in 1884.  I graduated from High School in 1984 - one hundred years later.  We're generations apart, yet,  we have a lot in common.  I just wanted to share with you today one thing we have in common.  Here's a quote from one of his writings as he was considering sharing his soul talk with the public:


"In defense of my opening my soul and laying it bare to the public gaze in this fashion, I may say that it seems to me that we really seldom do anybody much good excepting as we share the deepest experiences of our souls in this way.  It is not the fashion to tell your inmost thoughts, but there are many wrong fashions, and concealment of the best in us is wrong.  I disapprove of the usual practice of talking "small talk" whenever we meet, and holding a veil over our souls.  If we are so impoverished that we have nothing to reveal but small talk, then we need to struggle for more richness of soul.  As for me, I am convinced that this spiritual pilgrimage which I am making is infinitely worthwhile, the most important thing I know of to talk about.  And talk I shall while there is anybody to listen."


I am so with you Frank!  Can't wait to meet this guy in heaven.

Last Dance, Daddy

I love my dad.  I truly did not realize how deep my love for him ran in my blood until he died one year ago - way too soon.  I miss him so much.  I miss you, Dad. 

This is a true story. 

To our shock and devastation my dad got lung cancer and it went to his bones.  It was a slow and fast 8 months watching my gentle father face this disease, and ultimately watching it take him over. 

It was a beautiful, horrible experience living and loving Dad those 8 months.  My love went into full gear to physically be with him, ride the emotional tsunamis, and spiritually plead before the throne of grace for him.  In the end God showed me that Dad’s faith in Jesus Christ alone for his salvation was sure, but that his physical body and life would not be spared.

Just prior to my dad learning that he had cancer, a friend of mine from church found out that her husband had cancer. He was the same age as my dad.  He died a few months before my dad and I remember my friend telling me that God had given her the most beautiful dreams about her and her husband; to the point that she would wake up laughing because they were having so much fun together.  She told how much these dreams encouraged her.  After my daddy died, I secretly hoped God would give me a dream like that – but I certainly didn’t hold Him to it.  After all, He’s so unique and creative that I figured he would soothe my soul the way it needed to be soothed.

Much to my delight and surprise I woke yesterday morning feeling so warmly loved.  God gave me a dream about my dad!  If I had to name it, it would be called, “Last Dance, Daddy.”  I wrote it all down as soon as I woke up.  I’d like to share it with you.

Thank you for my dream last night, Lord.  It was about Dad and me.  It made me feel so warm and loved and cherished and needed.  There was reality and pain, too.  The reality of cancer was still in Dad’s body.  The pain of the unwelcomed anticipation of his death and of time ticking away was there, so I had to enjoy the dance and absorb my daddy's warmth.

Dad and I were dancing…as if it were my wedding reception.  The room was very crowded with tables and guests.  It was inside, but it was outside.  It was my wedding reception to Dad and me, but I didn’t wear a wedding dress and he was kind of just out of the hospital; still sick, patchy hair, tired.  To the other people at the party there was another occasion being celebrated, but it wasn’t unusual that Dad and I were dancing there.  It was like we were soaking in this last dance because we knew the inevitable was coming, and we just needed each other’s love; to breathe it in and bottle it up.

So we danced close and I touched Dad’s head and hair and I got to kiss his unshaven face and tenderly cradle the back of his head, and hug cheek to cheek.  He loved me and I could just feel it.  I just knew it. 

It was natural to be with dad in this place, even though our dance was awkward. We bumped into tables with our legs.  It was tight in the room; anyone would have bumped into tables.  We didn’t care, though; we just wanted to draw in as much love for each other that we could.  People watched us with tenderness and care, but we weren’t the focus of attention by any stretch, nor did we want to be.  We knew it was a little unusual to be dancing here in this place at this time.  No one else was dancing.  I don’t even think there was any music playing.  But we had to dance; this we knew.  It was the deepest way we could revel in each other’s love in these, our last moments together.

He got tired and we had to sit down on a bench.  He leaned into me and I got to just be with my dad; to just feel the warmth of his body next to mine; life next to life, love next to love.  I got to care for him, hug, touch, talk, stroke his head.  Precious.  Beautiful.

I woke up feeling so loved, so useful, so accepted, so satisfied; but still – feeling such a longing for it to be different; that my dad would still be here on this earth with me so I could enjoy the light of his face, warmth of his smile, music in his voice, and sparkle in his eye.  I really do miss him so much. 

I’m much more settled inside; not nearly as fragile and broken.  I accept the reality of death, and cheer for God’s victory over it.  But my life is so not the same; so not the same.  Yet I thank you God, today, for one last dance with my daddy.  It sure did mean a lot to me that You would give me such a heart-felt gift.  I sure didn’t expect or demand it, Lord, but you gave it anyways because you are such a kind and thoughtful Father.  You are THE powerful warrior who is triumphant over death – both spiritual and physical, and yet you are so tender and careful to attend to our deepest needs and wounds. 

How thankful I am for the opportunity to submit my true story to the She Speaks Conference in North Carolina this year.  The She Speaks Conference is about connecting the hearts of women to the heart of our Father God.  Whether or not we have or had a tender relationship with our earthly dad, our relationship with our heavenly Father can be and is tender to be sure.  It is my heart’s desire to serve our heavenly Father by  reminding God’s precious daughters how warmly loved and cherished they are by their heavenly Father.  I do this daily, weekly, monthly and yearly as He leads me.  What a rewarding life it is.  Thank you, God.

             

http://shespeaksconference.com/blog/

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/03/how-christians-create-art-she-speaks-scholarship/

De-fogging

Where in the world did March go?  And why in the world won’t the snow go?

Have you ever gotten through an entire month and wondered how in the world you were unable to (or just didn’t) do ANY of your goals?  Or you just feel like you have accomplished like, nothing.  Kind of like you were in a fog for weeks? 

This happened to me this month and I’m trying to figure out why.  I had 6 goals for the month.  Want to hear them? 

#1 – 8@8 Routine / 5x week – What this means that at 8pm every night (5 nights a week) I should spend 8 minutes reviewing my day and setting my agenda for the next day. 

#2 – Kidz +3 / 5days a week – This just means that I should give one positive comment to my 3 kids every day at least 5 days a week.

#3 – Bin 30 / 5days a week – Empty/organize one Rubbermaid storage bin or spend 30 minutes a day sorting a bin 5 days a week.  (So that I can know what is in the 53 bins I have in the basement and toss what is unnecessary clutter).

#4 – Quicken 60 / 2x week – This has to do with getting our finances and budget to another level.

#5 – Die File 30 / 1x week – I’m preparing a file for my kids so that if and when I die (in 50 years!) they will know what to do, putting the least amount of strain on them.

#6 – 30-10-5 / 4x week – This is an exercise routine that I want to follow 4x a week.

Aren’t those nice goals?  Don’t they look pretty on paper? 

NOW WHY COULDN’T I TOUCH THEM THIS MONTH??

What happens to us when we get into those crazy fogs? Are they emotional fogs?  Mind fogs?  Spiritual fogs?  Physical or relational fogs? What are they anyways?

Upon observing and analyzing myself (which I find nearly impossible NOT to do) I have found three reasons:

#1 – Derailed (again) by a relational stress that sucked a lot of energy out of me and threw me into the bitter-grudge holding mode.

#2 – TV – Instead of the usual one hour news on TV, I found myself staying planted in front of TV for an additional 1 to 2 hours per NIGHT.  (There went my 8@8 goal).

#3 – Spiritual abduction – Upon examining what was going on in my head (the things I was thinking about a lot), I found that I had a lot of crap in there; quite literally a lot of lies!  Things like:  “I’m not a very good mom because 2 out of 3 kids left the house this morning disgruntled.”  “I haven’t been up early in months!  I'm really slacking.”  “I have relational issues with everyone.”  And the list goes on! And on.

One day in particular last week broke me out of the fog.  I call it my “I’m sick of this shit” day.  I’m sorry if that word offends you.  I know I’m a Christian and all, but I have to call it like I see it…and the stuff in my head was shit.   

So, a great Christian friend and I went through all the crappy crap in our heads and called the lies lies and spoke out the truth about who we are in Christ and who Jesus Christ is and what he’s done for us!  We talked warrior talk (prayer and truth telling) and told the enemy of our souls where to go.

Gotta tell ya, the fog lifted over the course of the day; love and forgiveness worked its way back into my soul; and the TV has been put back into its proper place (well, almost). 

Never underestimate the battles raged against you in the spiritual realm if you are a follower of Christ.  Satan just hates that about you - that you are a follower of Christ that is!

I leave you with two powerful truths in the form of quotes by famous people:

“All we really have to do as believers, from the time we get up in the morning until we go to bed at night, is to love God with all our heart and soul and mind and strength, obey his commands, and trust his promises.  That is all.  Everything else is secondary.”  --Bill Bright.

“With meekness, humility, and diligence, apply yourself to the duties of your condition.  They are the seemingly little things which make no noise that do the business.”  -- Henry More.  

I am no longer in the fog that felt like PMS on steroids (sorry guys).  I am free once again to live all out for the One who created me.  Hope you can do the same!

Red Dressin' It

I love watching the faces of a bride and groom at their wedding! 

Last weekend I was visiting a friend in Chicago and we watched a TV show called....American Bride....or Wedding Dresses ...something or other.  I was struck with one very awesome dress!  Most of the dresses were crazy expensive, and almost all of them were gorgeous, but there was ONE DRESS that stood out from every other dress...by a long shot.  And I found myself saying, "Man, I wish I would have worn THAT on my wedding day!"

I don't think I would have had the guts to wear it when I was 22 years old, though.  I may have been an extrovert and a sanguine (very needed for this dress), but I don't think I would have had the confidence.  A little more into people pleasing back then I was.

There is something about getting older and a little more experienced that makes you more daring, don't you think?  And, there is really something that changes in a person after the deep grief experience of losing someone very precious to you.  Losing my daddy has changed me deeply.  It makes you evaluate the way you live your life.  And, I'm telling you, if I were then who I am today; I would definitely be RED DRESSIN' IT to MY wedding!

The girl was beautiful, young, dark haired and spicy fun, if you know what I mean.  You could tell by the giant sparkles in her eye that she loved surprises...and loved to shock people out "normal" life.  She didn't settle for the same old same old.  She had no intention of letting her life be a bore.  She was all about living life to the full...full...full.  And, she just didn't care what other people thought.

She wore a red dress to her wedding!  A sparkly RED dress.  I'm no wedding dress expert, but I've never seen a red wedding dress!  She was spectacular!  And what I absolutely LOVED the most was the expression on her husband-to-be's face.  He was totally wowed.  No sooner had the look of WOW crossed his face, than he confidently nodded his head up and down, knowingly, as if to say, "Yep.  THIS  IS the woman I'm marrying in all her fullness.  The dress matches who she is."  It was a look of rightness...of authenticity...of no pretense.  What she wore matched who she was.

That's how I want God to look at me, his bride.  (The bible calls us Christians the 'bride of Christ'.  I like that honor).  I want to be wholeheartedly, unashamedly, undeniably authentic; the very person God created me to be!  No one else.  Just me.

A friend sent me a valentine card this year that said, "I love who you are."  "Wow, thanks," I thought.  Those words make me relax and breathe deeply.  I like the way God made me.  And it's a blast watching how he's made everyone else.  What a beautiful tapestry of God's handiwork we are.

Who knows how much more life I get to live on this earth.  All I know is I'm RED DRESSIN' IT the rest of the way.  Life's too short to wear what everyone else is wearing.

Clearing the Air

I love personality tests.  Just by reading that sentence, most of you know how YOU feel about personality tests.  Everyone is different.  I just happen to be one of “those” who love them!  

One of my favorite tests is called Strengthsfinder.  It emphasizes capitalizing on our strengths rather than focusing on how to fix our weaknesses.  According to their studies, we spend way too much time trying to shore up our weaknesses; time which would be better spent capitalizing on our strengths, and those of others.  

One of my main strengths is called harmony.  It basically means that I like to have harmony in my personal (and workplace) relationships.  I have been called a peace-maker more than once.  But because I am also opinionated and aggressive in the way I present my thoughts, it also surprises people to know I have the harmony strength, but I do.  It bothers me deeply when there isn’t harmony in my relationships and when I see others who aren’t in harmony.  Confrontation to me is a means to a beautiful end - harmony.

In my experience and observation, most conflicts go unresolved.  This kills me! I think it is a missed opportunity to show love and to deepen relationships.  It seems to me people find it hard to know how and when to confront; and to know if we’re being “overly sensitive” (as I’ve been accused of) or quite reasonable.   Do you know what I mean?

That’s why when I heard the idea of “Clearings” this week I was SO EXCITED!  I love practical advice that I can put to immediate use.  And I can’t wait to put this one to use. (That would be my "Activator" strength coming out!)

A clearing, according to some new friends who practice it, is where you come together with a person you have a conflict with, as well as a neutral party.  There are three of you together in a sort of meeting. 

If you have been hurt or offended in some way you (person #1) ask the “offender” (person #2) for a clearing.  You ask a neutral person (#3) to come along to help keep things on track.  (If you have you ever confronted someone or been confronted yourself, you have probably found that before you know it, the whole point is thrown off track by defensiveness or something else; hence the need for a neutral person!) 

So, the three of you meet and it basically goes like this (my version of a very quick explanation):

1)     FACTS - Bring up the facts:  “The other day I came into the room and as soon as I saw you, you turned around and left the room.”

2)    STORY - Tell the “story” you made up about that:  “The story I made up in my head about that was that you didn’t want to be around me.” 

3)     FEEL - Tell how you feel about that:  “This made me feel like a loser, and very devalued by you.”

4)    TRIGGER - Tell what this reminds you about yourself (or what it triggers in you):  “This brings me back to 5^th grade when as soon as I would come out onto the playground, a bunch of girls would quickly turn around and walk away from me.  It crushed me.”

5)    YOU DO - What would you like from this person? “When you see me coming into a room, I would like you to look me in the eye and talk with me for a minute.”

a.    What if person #2 hasn’t a clue that they “did“this to you?  If this is the case, we must believe them (This is my own advice, not my friend’s advice).

b.   What if person #2 DID do this on purpose for a reason?  If this is the case, person #2 can bring this problem to YOU in another clearing – but NOT during the current clearing because this is for person #1.  Person #2’s responsibility is to just listen with no verbiage (again, hence person #3’s presence is needed). 

6)    I DO - What you would like from yourself (something measureable): “When I’m feeling rejected like this, I will come up to you that day and ask you about it so we can keep the air clear between us.”

I can’t imagine that all clearings would be that simple, but don’t you think this would be a great way to get to the truth in broken relationships?  How often do we think or believe this or that about someone or some situation, only to find out weeks, months or years later that it wasn’t the case at all! 

Why does it take us so long (if ever) to seek out the truth?  Why do we live so long with feelings of hurt and rejection? Why not go after the truth immediately?  

It seems like a better way to love people to me.  

It does take humility, vulnerability and risk!  We can appear overly sensitive.  But doesn’t everyone struggle in these ways to one degree or another?  Isn’t it worth being wrong or too sensitive in order to get understanding, harmony, and a greater love for one another?  

What if the literal air we breathed was polluted every time our relational air was?  So much choking would be taking place.

It’s worth clearing the air! I'm so tired of choking.