I love personality tests. Just by reading that sentence, most of you know how YOU feel about personality tests. Everyone is different. I just happen to be one of “those” who love them!
One of my favorite tests is called Strengthsfinder. It emphasizes capitalizing on our strengths rather than focusing on how to fix our weaknesses. According to their studies, we spend way too much time trying to shore up our weaknesses; time which would be better spent capitalizing on our strengths, and those of others.
One of my main strengths is called harmony. It basically means that I like to have harmony in my personal (and workplace) relationships. I have been called a peace-maker more than once. But because I am also opinionated and aggressive in the way I present my thoughts, it also surprises people to know I have the harmony strength, but I do. It bothers me deeply when there isn’t harmony in my relationships and when I see others who aren’t in harmony. Confrontation to me is a means to a beautiful end - harmony.
In my experience and observation, most conflicts go unresolved. This kills me! I think it is a missed opportunity to show love and to deepen relationships. It seems to me people find it hard to know how and when to confront; and to know if we’re being “overly sensitive” (as I’ve been accused of) or quite reasonable. Do you know what I mean?
That’s why when I heard the idea of “Clearings” this week I was SO EXCITED! I love practical advice that I can put to immediate use. And I can’t wait to put this one to use. (That would be my "Activator" strength coming out!)
A clearing, according to some new friends who practice it, is where you come together with a person you have a conflict with, as well as a neutral party. There are three of you together in a sort of meeting.
If you have been hurt or offended in some way you (person #1) ask the “offender” (person #2) for a clearing. You ask a neutral person (#3) to come along to help keep things on track. (If you have you ever confronted someone or been confronted yourself, you have probably found that before you know it, the whole point is thrown off track by defensiveness or something else; hence the need for a neutral person!)
So, the three of you meet and it basically goes like this (my version of a very quick explanation):
1) FACTS - Bring up the facts: “The other day I came into the room and as soon as I saw you, you turned around and left the room.”
2) STORY - Tell the “story” you made up about that: “The story I made up in my head about that was that you didn’t want to be around me.”
3) FEEL - Tell how you feel about that: “This made me feel like a loser, and very devalued by you.”
4) TRIGGER - Tell what this reminds you about yourself (or what it triggers in you): “This brings me back to 5th grade when as soon as I would come out onto the playground, a bunch of girls would quickly turn around and walk away from me. It crushed me.”
5) YOU DO - What would you like from this person? “When you see me coming into a room, I would like you to look me in the eye and talk with me for a minute.”
a. What if person #2 hasn’t a clue that they “did“this to you? If this is the case, we must believe them (This is my own advice, not my friend’s advice).
b. What if person #2 DID do this on purpose for a reason? If this is the case, person #2 can bring this problem to YOU in another clearing – but NOT during the current clearing because this is for person #1. Person #2’s responsibility is to just listen with no verbiage (again, hence person #3’s presence is needed).
6) I DO - What you would like from yourself (something measureable): “When I’m feeling rejected like this, I will come up to you that day and ask you about it so we can keep the air clear between us.”
I can’t imagine that all clearings would be that simple, but don’t you think this would be a great way to get to the truth in broken relationships? How often do we think or believe this or that about someone or some situation, only to find out weeks, months or years later that it wasn’t the case at all!
Why does it take us so long (if ever) to seek out the truth? Why do we live so long with feelings of hurt and rejection? Why not go after the truth immediately?
It seems like a better way to love people to me.
It does take humility, vulnerability and risk! We can appear overly sensitive. But doesn’t everyone struggle in these ways to one degree or another? Isn’t it worth being wrong or too sensitive in order to get understanding, harmony, and a greater love for one another?
What if the literal air we breathed was polluted every time our relational air was? So much choking would be taking place.
It’s worth clearing the air! I'm so tired of choking.
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