One kid’s cool is another kid’s gross

It was a groggy school morning.  Our two junior-highers were sitting at the table eating breakfast in their usual fashion – heads down, quiet, keeping to themselves.  I stood at the sink working on the dishes, when the silence was broken with a disgusted, “Ugh….oh….eich!”  Our 13 year old daughter abruptly pushed her chair back and walked out of the kitchen.  Our 11 year old boy continued eating his cereal, his back towards me.  I didn’t know what, if anything happened, so I kept to myself.  I was tired too.

About a minute later, our 6^th grade boy got up from the table, turned towards me with cereal bowl in hand, and a very interesting look on his face.  You know the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes?  He had the look of Calvin on his face.  It’s hard to put it into words, but the expression on his face was a quiet, delighted satisfaction.  Not the kind of delight that you work really hard for and are then rewarded; rather, the kind of satisfaction that comes when you’ve been given an unexpected gift.  It was pure delight.

“What happened?” I said.  “Did you sneeze?”  “Yeah,” he said. “And my cereal came out my nose.”  He couldn’t have looked more pleased.  He padded out of the kitchen before I could process the entire scene, but soon the conclusion hit me:  One kid’s cool is another kid’s gross! 

What a demonstration of how people see things.   What a perfect example of differing perspectives!  How DO we put up with each other?  It struck me that if I asked my daughter about this table encounter with her brother she would describe it completely differently than he.  And, if I asked her about it 20 years from now, I’m pretty sure she would still have a disgusted look on her face as she described it.  How would he describe it?  I highly doubt there would be any look of disgust on his face or in his voice! The same story – but two very different adjectives used to describe it:  delight and disgust!

What a picture of marriage.  What a picture of friendship.  What a picture of the human existence.  This past week I discovered that my husband and I have very different perspectives on how we look at part of the Bible.  I was kind of shocked at how opposite we were.  God and the Bible are at the core of who we are as people; so after 22 years of marriage to find out that we had such strong opinions and that they were so different was pretty wild!  Over the years people have said to us:  “You guys are so different.”  I never realized how different until this last week!  (He’ll come around). 

If someone were to ask me how we manage to keep a marriage strong when we are so different, I think my answer would be, “Two things:  I know he loves me, and I know he is imperfect.”  And the same is true of me.  So, there you have it, yet another example of love in my adventure of how to love people better.  We’re commanded by God to love each other so there is always SOME way to do it. 

Gotta tell ya, I’m typing this fast because I need to be somewhere…but even as I type my husband stands 20 feet directly in front of me singing the theme song from the Love Boat show, loudly - obnoxiously.  I am not kidding.  And I just told him to shut up and stop singing AT me.  He claims he was singing it “into the AIR”.  Right.  He works very hard to get me to react – and is often successful.  Yes, I did just call him an idiot (the reaction he was looking for); but he knows I love him and I know he loves me, imperfect though we are. 

One person’s “air” is another person’s “at.”

Hard Work, but so far so good!

Loving is hard work.  Forgiving even harder!  But I am finding that it is not impossible!  A CONSTANT effort and awareness of God’s help, yes!  But not impossible!

Writing these blogs every week has forced me to look at the fact that I….Diane Alsens…struggle big time with easy offenses, anger, and bitterness!  How lovely.  How beautiful.  JUST what I want to be remembered for!  No! Precisely the opposite is true!  I want to be thought of now and remembered later for being gentle, kind, self controlled; even dignified, funny, and godly!  It is a battle to fight off the crappy crap so that the good can dominate my character. 

I am fully convinced that it is God – our Creator – who enables us to do the things that we cannot do on our own.  Forgiveness is evidence of this in me.  Loving people who annoy me is another example of God’s transforming work in my life.  Some people actually say to me that they can’t believe I could be mean to anyone, or that I’m impatient or irritable.  (Hear my uproarious laughter!)  If people say or see that in me….it’s ALL God. 

I believe God wants me to live a life that has his love and goodness written all over it.  It is my goal to do so, but I cannot do it without him.  I consider it sort of a partnership or cooperative effort (me doing the cooperating, he doing a loving, patient partner-thing until I do cooperate.

I was in the shower this week (yeah, my weekly shower).  My brain goes crazy in the shower!  My thoughts run rampant there.  And on one particular day this week, a long string of negative emotions and thoughts  were absolutely flying through my brain as it related to yes, yet another person who annnnnnnnoys me!   

So, I gripe to God in the shower.  “God, I can’t help that I keep thinking about this!  I am not trying to drudge this stuff up.  It just keeps coming!  Please tell me what to do about it.” 

Have you ever “heard” God’s voice?  I have never heard an audible out loud voice that I thought was God, but I often hear an inner-voice.  I know that sounds Twilight Zone-like.  But it is true.  It comes sometimes right in the moments after a prayer like I prayed in the shower; or through a series of events that take place after I’ve been praying or journaling about some problem or question.  Other times it comes in the form of a Bible verse that pops into my head, or that I stumble across while reading.  Yet other times it’s like the same answer comes to me 3 or 4 times from different sources (a friend, a sermon, the radio, even a person who annoys me!)  If the ‘sense’ I’m getting, or voice I’m hearing doesn’t conflict with God’s word, the Bible, I feel it’s a nudge or word from him to me.

I “heard” the immediate voice this time in the shower.  After I asked God what I should do about the constant flow of negative thoughts about this person he said this:  “Think about something good.  Think about something else.”  I will be very honest.  I felt my spirit snicker at first, saying, “Oh, like it’s that simple.”  But I didn’t follow that snicker.  I followed the advice.  I wanted to do the 2^nd thing first….think about something else.  “No problem.”  I thought,  “ I’d LOVE to think about ANYTHING ELSE but this person!” However, I sensed a nudge in my soul saying….”Do the first one first,” Meaning, think about something good about this person first. (Man, that’s like having to eat brussels sprouts before you get desert!)  This was followed by MUCH sarcasm in my mind and spirit:  “Like there’s anything good about THEM.”

If loving and forgiving people aren’t spiritual inner battles,  I don’t know what are! 

So, I forced….absolutely forced... my mind to “look at” a few good things about this person.  I spoke these things out loud, thanking God for the good things about this person that I have benefitted from.

Do you know? The mind/emotion battle has lightened greatly for the balance of my week!   And this is just what I hope for next week:  more rest and freedom from these ridiculous offenses, emotions and hurts.  I don’t know about you, but I have a life to live!  And I cannot afford 40 minute showers!

A bible verse comes to mind now:  “Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be dismayed.  Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will.  And I know that I will triumph.”  Isaiah 50:7.

I believe that.  Just call me stone-face.

Grief Gift

You know, I have never experienced grief as deep as I have in this past year.  My precious dad died on March 16, 2010.  I just don’t like what that day represents now.  I don’t like March 16^th. 

It was the most horrific 8 months of my life to watch my dad find out he had lung cancer, then bone cancer, and to watch him realize he was going to die – so young.  I watched my daddy fade away before my very eyes.  He took it like a champ.  I so admire the way he handled this abrupt disruption of a life he loved.  In stride:  That’s how he seemed to take it, but not without worry, wonder, and hope delayed.

I really – realllllly miss my dad.  I miss you, Dad.

I remember thinking a few months after he died that I just wanted to move on to the next phase of grief, no matter what it was.  I didn’t know the “grief stages,” but I read a couple of books.  I decided right away that whatever emotions came my way, whatever flashbacks or memories I had….I would simply embrace them and experience whatever came with them.  I didn’t want to shove them away for another day. Wow.  The emotions have certainly come, escorting me to many uncharted regions in my soul.  At times, though, I would feel so overcome with powerful emotions that I would say, “Okay, God.  I want to move on now.  Make this stop.  Let me be done.”  It just hurt so much.

And then I would sense a change.  What I was wrestling with or mourning would seem to lighten; even pass by, and I’d feel a sense of relief.  I would begin to look ahead at getting back to “normal” again (meaning “less pain please”).  Seems to me though, that it just keeps coming back in different waves…whenever “it” deems it should.  So, on and on I go trying to take all of this in stride - still. 

This week a wave hit me again.  I would liken it to a Tsunami.  I found myself sitting on my chair journaling and reading the Bible.  I was enjoying the ocean view so to speak, when all  of a sudden something hit me and POW!  I was absolutely bawling and broken.  No one was home so my sobs had freedom to express themselves in full.  I know I’m not alone in this.  I’m sure many of you reading have had more than your share of grief.  This kind of grief; however, is the first I’ve ever experienced.

All this to say, you should have seen what Lucy, our dog, did.  When I broke out in a sob she looked up from her sleepy laying position on the floor and seemed to observe me.  When the sobs got more intense she simply got up, came to my chair and stood in a protective stance, like it was her duty to do it.  I had no strength to move, I was overcome.  Lucy rounded the foot rest and softly lay her head on my lap.  My moans of sadness would not relent, and I managed to place my hand on her fuzzy head in gratitude.  Next, she ever so carefully heaved her 60 pound frame onto my cushion, front legs only, appearing to guard me.  She looked around the room, neck slightly outstretched, muscular body firmly planted next to mine.  She sniffed and sniffed my wet, salty face but did not lick it as usual.  She stood her ground like a regal queen.

When my sobs began to subside, she hesitated but gently hopped her front legs down and walked to the front of my stool, planted at my feet, and sat down.  When I quieted another notch, she moved back to her position on the floor – soft brown eyes looking up at me…watching.  My whimpers came to a halt and steadiness returned to me when I saw her peacefully close her eyes and go back to her place of rest.  The episode was over. It was if she said to me, “It’s all in a day’s work.” 

What a gift in grief that pesky little (I mean BIG) dog is.  Is this what you had in mind when you created dogs, God?  What a treasure.  Thank you, Lord, for Lucy.

Flipping Your Coin

Flipping Your Coin

It interests me that human beings are so multi-faceted.  Human behavior really intrigues me!  I love watching people, listening to them, and imagining what their lives are like.  I often wonder how “real” someone is.  I always hope they feel the freedom to be real with me.  Are they being genuine?  Do they say what they mean and mean what they say?  I ask the same questions of myself.  I really want to be authentic.  That goes for letting my strengths shine, and for admitting my faults. 

One of the hardest things in the world for me is to feel that I have to “fake it” in any way.  For example, you are having company in an hour, but you and your spouse/child/friend/parent have had a horrible argument, and it hasn’t been resolved (happened to me this week!).  I hate the thought of opening the door and smiling to guests in those moments– just feels like I’m pretending everything is okay when it isn’t.  It’s tricky because really, who wants to be welcomed with: “Just so you know, we’re fighting right now.”  That always helps people feel comfortable in your home!

This week I had a sweet conversation with someone who posed the question:  “Are we (people) able to live in the tension of what life is?”  Life isn’t easy.  Life isn’t simple.  We aren’t robots and we aren’t perfect; yet, I so badly want to be more close to perfect than I am (more like Jesus Christ, really), and I definitely don’t like it when things are ugly in my life. 

She also said, “People are like coins; we all have two sides.”  What she meant was we all have crap in our lives and if we only show the front of the coin (the good ‘face’ part) and not the back side (the crappy crap), then how are we living honestly, helping each other move forward, and getting better? It’s like we’re not living whole.

So, this week in a group of friends I “let seep” something that was really sensitive to me…something that I see as a failure on my part.  It’s an embarrassing thing for me to admit and talk about.  I refrain from sharing the specifics on this only because it could be an embarrassment to others.  Anyway, I just noticed how absolutely vulnerable revealing this little tiny failure made me feel!  I DO NOT LIKE IT!  I feel judged, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t judge me.  I felt like a failure big time, but somehow I don’t think they saw it that way – at least not to the extreme that I feel it.  As a pastor’s wife and public speaker I feel stuff like this is even more difficult because I think sometimes you are put on a pedestal. Yuck.  I hate pedestals.

I showed the other side of the coin this past week.  I do think that’s what we’re supposed to do as human beings.  We’re all in this together.  Whoever you are reading this today – I love ya simply because you are a fellow human being on this difficult and joyful journey called life!  I hope  peace and joy fills your day today!

Love Hurts - The Piecey 3

So today I was battling with trying to find something funny, wise or quippy to say.  Quippy isn’t a word, but you know what I mean.  So, my thoughts are a little piecey today.  (Piecey isn’t a word either.  Deal with it).  I will simply reflect on 3 piecy things floating in my brain – and somehow, I believe they all relate – to love.

#1 – Today I experienced the fact that love hurts!  I hear some song from the 80’s in my head as I say that.  I mean, it’s easy to love people you like, it’s the ones that hurt or tick us off that cause pain in the love process! If I truly love someone it means I have to forgive them.  There are big things to forgive, and there are little things.  I’m the queen of little things - like little offenses!  I am so easily offended it’s ridiculous!  I absolutely hate that about myself, and am working hard to change it.  This week I made a list of people I thought I needed to forgive.  It was a very long list – like, really long.  But, I had to do it.  How can I really love people if I don’t forgive them?  I can’t.  It’s fake living. 

I went through each person and each “thing” that I felt they did to deserve my anger, irritation, or judgment.  I allowed myself to say out loud the things that they did to hurt me or piss me off, and how it made me feel.  I acknowledged the hurt; mostly stuff they probably weren’t even aware of.  None-the-less, until I “let them off the hook” and forgave them, I couldn’t love them.  So today, someone on my list called me….and in usual fashion…pissed me off by one of their usual careless comments.  I didn’t react to them with words…just silence.  “I’m not going to laugh when you insult me.”  I thought.  “I’ll just let your dumb words hang in the air and let you feel the stupidity of them.”  I know…the love was just pouring out of me.  I knew I had to forgive AGAIN, knowing that this WILL BE a lifelong process with this person!  How fun is THAT!? Lucky me, I came across an article on gratitude (Walt Larimore) about an hour after this incident occurred, and learned that as soon as I feel hurt, insulted, or angry I can think this: “Now for something good…” and find something to be grateful for about the person or situation.  So, I did.  It wasn’t even that hard.  And I will continue to “think of something good” when the crappy crap feeling toward them comes up.  She can’t help that she’s a human being any more than I can. 

#2 – Our new dog follows me around all day – all happy-like!  She just WAITS for me to pet her or talk to her or give her eye contact, or a treat!  Where I go, she goes.  And when she can’t get close to me, she finds the next closest place. It is constant love and attention on ME.  Her tail wags and wags, and her eyes are always expectant, hopeful, and trusting!  I’m seeing how rude and mean I am to her.  I complain that she’s in my way.  I irritatingly tell her that no, I’m not playing now, and to go lay down.  I withhold petting her because I feel likes she’s just going to want more – more - more!  I so take advantage of her complete love for me.  I don’t like the way this makes me feel inside.  (Of course, if you were here, I wouldn’t treat her this way because I’d want you to think I was better than I am.  But, you’re not fooled, are you?)  I figure if I can just stop the rude tone of my voice and instead respond each time in a loving tone, it would train me to stop my rudeness to my family, and then trickle down to the rest of the world from there.  Maybe - maybe not.  It’s going to be hard, though.

#3 – So over Thanksgiving I was reading this article by one of the leading cancer researchers in America.  I can’t remember his name, but he was extremely committed to a cure for cancer and wanted to find one desperately in his lifetime!  (He’s in his 70’s I think).  The thought occurred to me, “What if HE got cancer?”  How ironic would that be?  And it seemed to me he would be they type of guy who would say, “Good.  I got it – now I can experience what I’ve been researching and can better help those who have suffered from this horrible disease!”  And, I thought, too, that he might pray a prayer like: “Just let me recover, God, so I can go on helping everyone else.”  He just had that type of commitment and passion for his work and mission.  And then it struck me, when Jesus Christ came to earth as a baby, he came FROM HEAVEN….healthy, perfect heaven…TO EARTH…disease ridden, imperfect earth.  Why as a baby?  It seems to me he could then experience everything that a dying human being would experience.  As soon as we are born we start to die, really.  It’s like Jesus willingly got cancer-- so that he could experience the pain of it--- so he could better understand, empathize, and help those he came to save.  He could speak into our pain because he experienced it himself. 

I’ve found that to be true in my relationship with Jesus Christ.  I’ve got to figure that He struggled to love certain people, too.  And forgive?  He did more of that than I ever will. If love equals forgiveness, I guess I’d rather forgive and hurt than not forgive and hurt anyways. We bear the consequences of other’s offenses toward us either way.

Love Check - Week 1

So, I said last week that I was going to try to make love my highest goal this year (idea from the Bible - 1 Corinthians 14:1). This means treating people with love.  Love has to have an object right; something or someone to pour into?  I suppose I could make loving MYSELF my highest goal this year, or loving our DOG, or loving our YARD?  But no, I’m pretty sure what God is challenging me with this year is:  1) Loving my family, and 2) Loving others (whoever God brings in my path).  I think both are hard.

After the first couple days with lots of selfish failures, I wanted to ask God for a different goal.  But I didn’t.  I know this is the one.  One thing that struck me the very first day I tried to love others was how much I manipulated a situation to work to my advantage!!  I knew my focus was to love others – but wow did I move, avoid and restructure my circumstances so that I didn’t have to be around people who would (most likely) annoy me.  I went for the easy routes – people who were easier for me to love (be nice to, enjoy their presence, have fun with). It’s just embarrassing. I’m so sorry God!

In my family, God has given me 2 things to do to love them.  I truly hope they don’t read this blog because they will see how much I am failing!  However, I AM seeing improvement after just ONE WEEK!  And that is only because God keeps reminding me of the goal, and I keep asking Him for help!  Thanks God.

#1 – Husband loving exercise = Use less words.  Wait until he talks to me first before I speak.  Need I say more?  The poor man needs a break from my flood of verbiage.  I’m finding that speaking less is giving me a sense of peace deep down somewhere inside of me.  It feels good (and different).

#2 – Kid loving exercise.  We have 3 kids – junior high and high school.  My goal for loving them (this month anyways) is to train them (in household duties) joyfully instead of with complaint.  In order to keep my head above negativism and them encouraged, I need to speak one positive thing per kid every day about something they did well.  You’d think this would be easy.  I was amazed that by the end of several of my days this week, I hadn’t intentionally said one positive thing to them yet!  How sad!  But! How glad I was to have been paying attention! So, I would get my butt out of bed and go to whoever I missed and make sure to tell them one positive thing.  It’s like exercising a new muscle. 

I haven’t told my family of these goals.  I’d rather DO them before verbalizing them.  I’m finding, too, that unless I look at my love goals at the beginning or end (or both) of the day, I forget. 

I’m ready for week 2, Lord; only because I know you are asking this of me and that you are the One who will give me the follow through for this.

And there you have a secret of my soul!  Happy first week the New Year everyone!   God’s mercies are new every morning.

All My New Year’s Goals Wrapped Into One

I love when a new year comes.  One thing it represents for me is fresh starts - new energy directed at new goals.  I like goals.  Sometimes I set way too many goals.  This year I wonder, “If I set just one goal, could I meet it?”  This question intermingles in my brain with another “deep thought” that I will share in a moment.  First, the ONE goal.  It’s taken from the Bible (New Living Translation) in 1st Corinthians chapter 14 verse 1a (first part of the verse).  Here it is:  “Let love be your highest goal.”  That’s it. 

I had a deep thought today:  What if everyone in the world loved me – every day, all the time?  And, what if I KNEW it….FELT it…and was completely convinced of it?  How would that change the way I live?  How would it affect the way I view myself?  Would it change how I loved others?  

I’ve noticed about myself that when I feel loved (real or perceived), I love better.  When I feel accepted, supported, encouraged…I accept, support and encourage others better.  If I feel invested in, guided, and worth another person’s time…I do the same for others.  Why is that?

I was told once by a very close friend:  “There’s something about you that bothers me, but I don’t know what it is.”  Wow.  That comment not only sucked, but it has haunted me for years! Today I can laugh about it.  Its like, “Heck, there’s something about me that bothers me, let alone you!”  Where should we begin?  What flaw to choose first?  I chuckle today, but at the time it cut me deeply, seating me squarely on a 3 year soul searching rollercoaster ride.  It negatively changed the way I viewed myself, and affected the way I interacted with others (much more cautiously).

I’m a fixer.  I like to systematically fix stuff that isn’t working.  It could be on the job, at home or in my personal life.  I like to improve, try different strategies, and form better habits.    So when my friend spoke those words to me, the logical question was:  “Well, what is it?”  I was sure I could fix it.  When no answer was given (and believe me, I pursued one for months!) I was left holding a bag of broken pieces to a mystery object.  I didn’t know what piece to pick up and fix.

Slowly but surely a rich and once great friendship was dismantled; and I was left wondering what kind of horrible personal defect I had that could cause such a long term friend to pull away and ultimately reject me.  I still don’t know what the “something” was, but I am thankful my friend said those words to me.  She was only being honest as she grappled with “something.” I’m not mad at her for saying those words (anymore).  But the words messed with my image of self and who I am.  Maybe you can relate.

Before this friendship breakdown, I innocently used to think this about myself:  “Who wouldn’t like me?”  I know that may sound egotistical or boastful, but it was just a childlike belief I had about myself.  “I’m fun.  I’m open and honest.  I listen to people.  I care….”  And the list went on and on….as does YOUR list of good things about YOU!  How does it happen that these good beliefs about ourselves get deflated, stolen or misunderstood?  The words spoken by my friend tilted the very core of who I felt I was – lovable.  And I liked myself a whole lot better when I believed I was loveable.  I know I treated others better. 

So, this year I’m going to try to make love my highest goal.  I figure the more people who feel loved, the more love will come around to me.  I know I need it.  It’s one goal that should affect every area of my life, and I hope, everyone else’s too.