Red Dressin' It

I love watching the faces of a bride and groom at their wedding! 

Last weekend I was visiting a friend in Chicago and we watched a TV show called....American Bride....or Wedding Dresses ...something or other.  I was struck with one very awesome dress!  Most of the dresses were crazy expensive, and almost all of them were gorgeous, but there was ONE DRESS that stood out from every other dress...by a long shot.  And I found myself saying, "Man, I wish I would have worn THAT on my wedding day!"

I don't think I would have had the guts to wear it when I was 22 years old, though.  I may have been an extrovert and a sanguine (very needed for this dress), but I don't think I would have had the confidence.  A little more into people pleasing back then I was.

There is something about getting older and a little more experienced that makes you more daring, don't you think?  And, there is really something that changes in a person after the deep grief experience of losing someone very precious to you.  Losing my daddy has changed me deeply.  It makes you evaluate the way you live your life.  And, I'm telling you, if I were then who I am today; I would definitely be RED DRESSIN' IT to MY wedding!

The girl was beautiful, young, dark haired and spicy fun, if you know what I mean.  You could tell by the giant sparkles in her eye that she loved surprises...and loved to shock people out "normal" life.  She didn't settle for the same old same old.  She had no intention of letting her life be a bore.  She was all about living life to the full...full...full.  And, she just didn't care what other people thought.

She wore a red dress to her wedding!  A sparkly RED dress.  I'm no wedding dress expert, but I've never seen a red wedding dress!  She was spectacular!  And what I absolutely LOVED the most was the expression on her husband-to-be's face.  He was totally wowed.  No sooner had the look of WOW crossed his face, than he confidently nodded his head up and down, knowingly, as if to say, "Yep.  THIS  IS the woman I'm marrying in all her fullness.  The dress matches who she is."  It was a look of rightness...of authenticity...of no pretense.  What she wore matched who she was.

That's how I want God to look at me, his bride.  (The bible calls us Christians the 'bride of Christ'.  I like that honor).  I want to be wholeheartedly, unashamedly, undeniably authentic; the very person God created me to be!  No one else.  Just me.

A friend sent me a valentine card this year that said, "I love who you are."  "Wow, thanks," I thought.  Those words make me relax and breathe deeply.  I like the way God made me.  And it's a blast watching how he's made everyone else.  What a beautiful tapestry of God's handiwork we are.

Who knows how much more life I get to live on this earth.  All I know is I'm RED DRESSIN' IT the rest of the way.  Life's too short to wear what everyone else is wearing.

Clearing the Air

I love personality tests.  Just by reading that sentence, most of you know how YOU feel about personality tests.  Everyone is different.  I just happen to be one of “those” who love them!  

One of my favorite tests is called Strengthsfinder.  It emphasizes capitalizing on our strengths rather than focusing on how to fix our weaknesses.  According to their studies, we spend way too much time trying to shore up our weaknesses; time which would be better spent capitalizing on our strengths, and those of others.  

One of my main strengths is called harmony.  It basically means that I like to have harmony in my personal (and workplace) relationships.  I have been called a peace-maker more than once.  But because I am also opinionated and aggressive in the way I present my thoughts, it also surprises people to know I have the harmony strength, but I do.  It bothers me deeply when there isn’t harmony in my relationships and when I see others who aren’t in harmony.  Confrontation to me is a means to a beautiful end - harmony.

In my experience and observation, most conflicts go unresolved.  This kills me! I think it is a missed opportunity to show love and to deepen relationships.  It seems to me people find it hard to know how and when to confront; and to know if we’re being “overly sensitive” (as I’ve been accused of) or quite reasonable.   Do you know what I mean?

That’s why when I heard the idea of “Clearings” this week I was SO EXCITED!  I love practical advice that I can put to immediate use.  And I can’t wait to put this one to use. (That would be my "Activator" strength coming out!)

A clearing, according to some new friends who practice it, is where you come together with a person you have a conflict with, as well as a neutral party.  There are three of you together in a sort of meeting. 

If you have been hurt or offended in some way you (person #1) ask the “offender” (person #2) for a clearing.  You ask a neutral person (#3) to come along to help keep things on track.  (If you have you ever confronted someone or been confronted yourself, you have probably found that before you know it, the whole point is thrown off track by defensiveness or something else; hence the need for a neutral person!) 

So, the three of you meet and it basically goes like this (my version of a very quick explanation):

1)     FACTS - Bring up the facts:  “The other day I came into the room and as soon as I saw you, you turned around and left the room.”

2)    STORY - Tell the “story” you made up about that:  “The story I made up in my head about that was that you didn’t want to be around me.” 

3)     FEEL - Tell how you feel about that:  “This made me feel like a loser, and very devalued by you.”

4)    TRIGGER - Tell what this reminds you about yourself (or what it triggers in you):  “This brings me back to 5^th grade when as soon as I would come out onto the playground, a bunch of girls would quickly turn around and walk away from me.  It crushed me.”

5)    YOU DO - What would you like from this person? “When you see me coming into a room, I would like you to look me in the eye and talk with me for a minute.”

a.    What if person #2 hasn’t a clue that they “did“this to you?  If this is the case, we must believe them (This is my own advice, not my friend’s advice).

b.   What if person #2 DID do this on purpose for a reason?  If this is the case, person #2 can bring this problem to YOU in another clearing – but NOT during the current clearing because this is for person #1.  Person #2’s responsibility is to just listen with no verbiage (again, hence person #3’s presence is needed). 

6)    I DO - What you would like from yourself (something measureable): “When I’m feeling rejected like this, I will come up to you that day and ask you about it so we can keep the air clear between us.”

I can’t imagine that all clearings would be that simple, but don’t you think this would be a great way to get to the truth in broken relationships?  How often do we think or believe this or that about someone or some situation, only to find out weeks, months or years later that it wasn’t the case at all! 

Why does it take us so long (if ever) to seek out the truth?  Why do we live so long with feelings of hurt and rejection? Why not go after the truth immediately?  

It seems like a better way to love people to me.  

It does take humility, vulnerability and risk!  We can appear overly sensitive.  But doesn’t everyone struggle in these ways to one degree or another?  Isn’t it worth being wrong or too sensitive in order to get understanding, harmony, and a greater love for one another?  

What if the literal air we breathed was polluted every time our relational air was?  So much choking would be taking place.

It’s worth clearing the air! I'm so tired of choking.

One kid’s cool is another kid’s gross

It was a groggy school morning.  Our two junior-highers were sitting at the table eating breakfast in their usual fashion – heads down, quiet, keeping to themselves.  I stood at the sink working on the dishes, when the silence was broken with a disgusted, “Ugh….oh….eich!”  Our 13 year old daughter abruptly pushed her chair back and walked out of the kitchen.  Our 11 year old boy continued eating his cereal, his back towards me.  I didn’t know what, if anything happened, so I kept to myself.  I was tired too.

About a minute later, our 6^th grade boy got up from the table, turned towards me with cereal bowl in hand, and a very interesting look on his face.  You know the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes?  He had the look of Calvin on his face.  It’s hard to put it into words, but the expression on his face was a quiet, delighted satisfaction.  Not the kind of delight that you work really hard for and are then rewarded; rather, the kind of satisfaction that comes when you’ve been given an unexpected gift.  It was pure delight.

“What happened?” I said.  “Did you sneeze?”  “Yeah,” he said. “And my cereal came out my nose.”  He couldn’t have looked more pleased.  He padded out of the kitchen before I could process the entire scene, but soon the conclusion hit me:  One kid’s cool is another kid’s gross! 

What a demonstration of how people see things.   What a perfect example of differing perspectives!  How DO we put up with each other?  It struck me that if I asked my daughter about this table encounter with her brother she would describe it completely differently than he.  And, if I asked her about it 20 years from now, I’m pretty sure she would still have a disgusted look on her face as she described it.  How would he describe it?  I highly doubt there would be any look of disgust on his face or in his voice! The same story – but two very different adjectives used to describe it:  delight and disgust!

What a picture of marriage.  What a picture of friendship.  What a picture of the human existence.  This past week I discovered that my husband and I have very different perspectives on how we look at part of the Bible.  I was kind of shocked at how opposite we were.  God and the Bible are at the core of who we are as people; so after 22 years of marriage to find out that we had such strong opinions and that they were so different was pretty wild!  Over the years people have said to us:  “You guys are so different.”  I never realized how different until this last week!  (He’ll come around). 

If someone were to ask me how we manage to keep a marriage strong when we are so different, I think my answer would be, “Two things:  I know he loves me, and I know he is imperfect.”  And the same is true of me.  So, there you have it, yet another example of love in my adventure of how to love people better.  We’re commanded by God to love each other so there is always SOME way to do it. 

Gotta tell ya, I’m typing this fast because I need to be somewhere…but even as I type my husband stands 20 feet directly in front of me singing the theme song from the Love Boat show, loudly - obnoxiously.  I am not kidding.  And I just told him to shut up and stop singing AT me.  He claims he was singing it “into the AIR”.  Right.  He works very hard to get me to react – and is often successful.  Yes, I did just call him an idiot (the reaction he was looking for); but he knows I love him and I know he loves me, imperfect though we are. 

One person’s “air” is another person’s “at.”

Hard Work, but so far so good!

Loving is hard work.  Forgiving even harder!  But I am finding that it is not impossible!  A CONSTANT effort and awareness of God’s help, yes!  But not impossible!

Writing these blogs every week has forced me to look at the fact that I….Diane Alsens…struggle big time with easy offenses, anger, and bitterness!  How lovely.  How beautiful.  JUST what I want to be remembered for!  No! Precisely the opposite is true!  I want to be thought of now and remembered later for being gentle, kind, self controlled; even dignified, funny, and godly!  It is a battle to fight off the crappy crap so that the good can dominate my character. 

I am fully convinced that it is God – our Creator – who enables us to do the things that we cannot do on our own.  Forgiveness is evidence of this in me.  Loving people who annoy me is another example of God’s transforming work in my life.  Some people actually say to me that they can’t believe I could be mean to anyone, or that I’m impatient or irritable.  (Hear my uproarious laughter!)  If people say or see that in me….it’s ALL God. 

I believe God wants me to live a life that has his love and goodness written all over it.  It is my goal to do so, but I cannot do it without him.  I consider it sort of a partnership or cooperative effort (me doing the cooperating, he doing a loving, patient partner-thing until I do cooperate.

I was in the shower this week (yeah, my weekly shower).  My brain goes crazy in the shower!  My thoughts run rampant there.  And on one particular day this week, a long string of negative emotions and thoughts  were absolutely flying through my brain as it related to yes, yet another person who annnnnnnnoys me!   

So, I gripe to God in the shower.  “God, I can’t help that I keep thinking about this!  I am not trying to drudge this stuff up.  It just keeps coming!  Please tell me what to do about it.” 

Have you ever “heard” God’s voice?  I have never heard an audible out loud voice that I thought was God, but I often hear an inner-voice.  I know that sounds Twilight Zone-like.  But it is true.  It comes sometimes right in the moments after a prayer like I prayed in the shower; or through a series of events that take place after I’ve been praying or journaling about some problem or question.  Other times it comes in the form of a Bible verse that pops into my head, or that I stumble across while reading.  Yet other times it’s like the same answer comes to me 3 or 4 times from different sources (a friend, a sermon, the radio, even a person who annoys me!)  If the ‘sense’ I’m getting, or voice I’m hearing doesn’t conflict with God’s word, the Bible, I feel it’s a nudge or word from him to me.

I “heard” the immediate voice this time in the shower.  After I asked God what I should do about the constant flow of negative thoughts about this person he said this:  “Think about something good.  Think about something else.”  I will be very honest.  I felt my spirit snicker at first, saying, “Oh, like it’s that simple.”  But I didn’t follow that snicker.  I followed the advice.  I wanted to do the 2^nd thing first….think about something else.  “No problem.”  I thought,  “ I’d LOVE to think about ANYTHING ELSE but this person!” However, I sensed a nudge in my soul saying….”Do the first one first,” Meaning, think about something good about this person first. (Man, that’s like having to eat brussels sprouts before you get desert!)  This was followed by MUCH sarcasm in my mind and spirit:  “Like there’s anything good about THEM.”

If loving and forgiving people aren’t spiritual inner battles,  I don’t know what are! 

So, I forced….absolutely forced... my mind to “look at” a few good things about this person.  I spoke these things out loud, thanking God for the good things about this person that I have benefitted from.

Do you know? The mind/emotion battle has lightened greatly for the balance of my week!   And this is just what I hope for next week:  more rest and freedom from these ridiculous offenses, emotions and hurts.  I don’t know about you, but I have a life to live!  And I cannot afford 40 minute showers!

A bible verse comes to mind now:  “Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be dismayed.  Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will.  And I know that I will triumph.”  Isaiah 50:7.

I believe that.  Just call me stone-face.

Grief Gift

You know, I have never experienced grief as deep as I have in this past year.  My precious dad died on March 16, 2010.  I just don’t like what that day represents now.  I don’t like March 16^th. 

It was the most horrific 8 months of my life to watch my dad find out he had lung cancer, then bone cancer, and to watch him realize he was going to die – so young.  I watched my daddy fade away before my very eyes.  He took it like a champ.  I so admire the way he handled this abrupt disruption of a life he loved.  In stride:  That’s how he seemed to take it, but not without worry, wonder, and hope delayed.

I really – realllllly miss my dad.  I miss you, Dad.

I remember thinking a few months after he died that I just wanted to move on to the next phase of grief, no matter what it was.  I didn’t know the “grief stages,” but I read a couple of books.  I decided right away that whatever emotions came my way, whatever flashbacks or memories I had….I would simply embrace them and experience whatever came with them.  I didn’t want to shove them away for another day. Wow.  The emotions have certainly come, escorting me to many uncharted regions in my soul.  At times, though, I would feel so overcome with powerful emotions that I would say, “Okay, God.  I want to move on now.  Make this stop.  Let me be done.”  It just hurt so much.

And then I would sense a change.  What I was wrestling with or mourning would seem to lighten; even pass by, and I’d feel a sense of relief.  I would begin to look ahead at getting back to “normal” again (meaning “less pain please”).  Seems to me though, that it just keeps coming back in different waves…whenever “it” deems it should.  So, on and on I go trying to take all of this in stride - still. 

This week a wave hit me again.  I would liken it to a Tsunami.  I found myself sitting on my chair journaling and reading the Bible.  I was enjoying the ocean view so to speak, when all  of a sudden something hit me and POW!  I was absolutely bawling and broken.  No one was home so my sobs had freedom to express themselves in full.  I know I’m not alone in this.  I’m sure many of you reading have had more than your share of grief.  This kind of grief; however, is the first I’ve ever experienced.

All this to say, you should have seen what Lucy, our dog, did.  When I broke out in a sob she looked up from her sleepy laying position on the floor and seemed to observe me.  When the sobs got more intense she simply got up, came to my chair and stood in a protective stance, like it was her duty to do it.  I had no strength to move, I was overcome.  Lucy rounded the foot rest and softly lay her head on my lap.  My moans of sadness would not relent, and I managed to place my hand on her fuzzy head in gratitude.  Next, she ever so carefully heaved her 60 pound frame onto my cushion, front legs only, appearing to guard me.  She looked around the room, neck slightly outstretched, muscular body firmly planted next to mine.  She sniffed and sniffed my wet, salty face but did not lick it as usual.  She stood her ground like a regal queen.

When my sobs began to subside, she hesitated but gently hopped her front legs down and walked to the front of my stool, planted at my feet, and sat down.  When I quieted another notch, she moved back to her position on the floor – soft brown eyes looking up at me…watching.  My whimpers came to a halt and steadiness returned to me when I saw her peacefully close her eyes and go back to her place of rest.  The episode was over. It was if she said to me, “It’s all in a day’s work.” 

What a gift in grief that pesky little (I mean BIG) dog is.  Is this what you had in mind when you created dogs, God?  What a treasure.  Thank you, Lord, for Lucy.

Flipping Your Coin

Flipping Your Coin

It interests me that human beings are so multi-faceted.  Human behavior really intrigues me!  I love watching people, listening to them, and imagining what their lives are like.  I often wonder how “real” someone is.  I always hope they feel the freedom to be real with me.  Are they being genuine?  Do they say what they mean and mean what they say?  I ask the same questions of myself.  I really want to be authentic.  That goes for letting my strengths shine, and for admitting my faults. 

One of the hardest things in the world for me is to feel that I have to “fake it” in any way.  For example, you are having company in an hour, but you and your spouse/child/friend/parent have had a horrible argument, and it hasn’t been resolved (happened to me this week!).  I hate the thought of opening the door and smiling to guests in those moments– just feels like I’m pretending everything is okay when it isn’t.  It’s tricky because really, who wants to be welcomed with: “Just so you know, we’re fighting right now.”  That always helps people feel comfortable in your home!

This week I had a sweet conversation with someone who posed the question:  “Are we (people) able to live in the tension of what life is?”  Life isn’t easy.  Life isn’t simple.  We aren’t robots and we aren’t perfect; yet, I so badly want to be more close to perfect than I am (more like Jesus Christ, really), and I definitely don’t like it when things are ugly in my life. 

She also said, “People are like coins; we all have two sides.”  What she meant was we all have crap in our lives and if we only show the front of the coin (the good ‘face’ part) and not the back side (the crappy crap), then how are we living honestly, helping each other move forward, and getting better? It’s like we’re not living whole.

So, this week in a group of friends I “let seep” something that was really sensitive to me…something that I see as a failure on my part.  It’s an embarrassing thing for me to admit and talk about.  I refrain from sharing the specifics on this only because it could be an embarrassment to others.  Anyway, I just noticed how absolutely vulnerable revealing this little tiny failure made me feel!  I DO NOT LIKE IT!  I feel judged, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t judge me.  I felt like a failure big time, but somehow I don’t think they saw it that way – at least not to the extreme that I feel it.  As a pastor’s wife and public speaker I feel stuff like this is even more difficult because I think sometimes you are put on a pedestal. Yuck.  I hate pedestals.

I showed the other side of the coin this past week.  I do think that’s what we’re supposed to do as human beings.  We’re all in this together.  Whoever you are reading this today – I love ya simply because you are a fellow human being on this difficult and joyful journey called life!  I hope  peace and joy fills your day today!

Love Hurts - The Piecey 3

So today I was battling with trying to find something funny, wise or quippy to say.  Quippy isn’t a word, but you know what I mean.  So, my thoughts are a little piecey today.  (Piecey isn’t a word either.  Deal with it).  I will simply reflect on 3 piecy things floating in my brain – and somehow, I believe they all relate – to love.

#1 – Today I experienced the fact that love hurts!  I hear some song from the 80’s in my head as I say that.  I mean, it’s easy to love people you like, it’s the ones that hurt or tick us off that cause pain in the love process! If I truly love someone it means I have to forgive them.  There are big things to forgive, and there are little things.  I’m the queen of little things - like little offenses!  I am so easily offended it’s ridiculous!  I absolutely hate that about myself, and am working hard to change it.  This week I made a list of people I thought I needed to forgive.  It was a very long list – like, really long.  But, I had to do it.  How can I really love people if I don’t forgive them?  I can’t.  It’s fake living. 

I went through each person and each “thing” that I felt they did to deserve my anger, irritation, or judgment.  I allowed myself to say out loud the things that they did to hurt me or piss me off, and how it made me feel.  I acknowledged the hurt; mostly stuff they probably weren’t even aware of.  None-the-less, until I “let them off the hook” and forgave them, I couldn’t love them.  So today, someone on my list called me….and in usual fashion…pissed me off by one of their usual careless comments.  I didn’t react to them with words…just silence.  “I’m not going to laugh when you insult me.”  I thought.  “I’ll just let your dumb words hang in the air and let you feel the stupidity of them.”  I know…the love was just pouring out of me.  I knew I had to forgive AGAIN, knowing that this WILL BE a lifelong process with this person!  How fun is THAT!? Lucky me, I came across an article on gratitude (Walt Larimore) about an hour after this incident occurred, and learned that as soon as I feel hurt, insulted, or angry I can think this: “Now for something good…” and find something to be grateful for about the person or situation.  So, I did.  It wasn’t even that hard.  And I will continue to “think of something good” when the crappy crap feeling toward them comes up.  She can’t help that she’s a human being any more than I can. 

#2 – Our new dog follows me around all day – all happy-like!  She just WAITS for me to pet her or talk to her or give her eye contact, or a treat!  Where I go, she goes.  And when she can’t get close to me, she finds the next closest place. It is constant love and attention on ME.  Her tail wags and wags, and her eyes are always expectant, hopeful, and trusting!  I’m seeing how rude and mean I am to her.  I complain that she’s in my way.  I irritatingly tell her that no, I’m not playing now, and to go lay down.  I withhold petting her because I feel likes she’s just going to want more – more - more!  I so take advantage of her complete love for me.  I don’t like the way this makes me feel inside.  (Of course, if you were here, I wouldn’t treat her this way because I’d want you to think I was better than I am.  But, you’re not fooled, are you?)  I figure if I can just stop the rude tone of my voice and instead respond each time in a loving tone, it would train me to stop my rudeness to my family, and then trickle down to the rest of the world from there.  Maybe - maybe not.  It’s going to be hard, though.

#3 – So over Thanksgiving I was reading this article by one of the leading cancer researchers in America.  I can’t remember his name, but he was extremely committed to a cure for cancer and wanted to find one desperately in his lifetime!  (He’s in his 70’s I think).  The thought occurred to me, “What if HE got cancer?”  How ironic would that be?  And it seemed to me he would be they type of guy who would say, “Good.  I got it – now I can experience what I’ve been researching and can better help those who have suffered from this horrible disease!”  And, I thought, too, that he might pray a prayer like: “Just let me recover, God, so I can go on helping everyone else.”  He just had that type of commitment and passion for his work and mission.  And then it struck me, when Jesus Christ came to earth as a baby, he came FROM HEAVEN….healthy, perfect heaven…TO EARTH…disease ridden, imperfect earth.  Why as a baby?  It seems to me he could then experience everything that a dying human being would experience.  As soon as we are born we start to die, really.  It’s like Jesus willingly got cancer-- so that he could experience the pain of it--- so he could better understand, empathize, and help those he came to save.  He could speak into our pain because he experienced it himself. 

I’ve found that to be true in my relationship with Jesus Christ.  I’ve got to figure that He struggled to love certain people, too.  And forgive?  He did more of that than I ever will. If love equals forgiveness, I guess I’d rather forgive and hurt than not forgive and hurt anyways. We bear the consequences of other’s offenses toward us either way.